The other day I stopped mid-thought and asked God for peace.
As I began to look back on my life, I realize that my thoughts have been nothing but worry. I’ve always been consumed with fear and anxiety, even as a little girl. By little, I mean since I was an adolescent.
I can remember about the age of fourteen, I would sit downstairs in our computer room (that’s what we called it) and I would let my mind drift off into the future. I would sit and wonder what I was supposed to do in life. That thought has been consuming me ever since.
The other day I stopped and cried out: “Lord, I don’t want to do this…I can’t keep doing this. I want to be free.”
The Lord brought to my attention how I’m never “there” (wherever it is that I’m supposed to be at the time)– physically, yes, but mentally, I’m nowhere to be found.
I would always be thinking about the next thing or where I wanted to be instead or how I couldn’t wait until I got to a place that I could actually enjoy because no matter where I was in life at any given point, I was always miserable. I didn’t want to be there.
I was always thinking about what I could be doing or what I should be doing–anything that would get me closer to being where I wanted to be.
I slowly began to realize how much of my life was about the future. I had been doing this for more than half of my life.
It’s a dreadful thought to think about leaving this Earth and never fulfilling your purpose. That’s all that I ever thought about. That’s majority of what I think about now. And when I think about how I am not where I’m supposed to be, it gives me anxiety. It’s like having a daily panic attack.
But I know that there is hope. I am determined to be free. I am free. Because the Lord has already given freedom unto me. I just have to choose to lay my burden down and take His yoke upon me.
Anxiety about the future is my burden. Has been for a long time. Today, I’m laying it down.
I can do my best and ask God to do the rest. I can lean on Him. I can depend on Him.
That’s what faith is– trusting that God has the answers. Trusting that He has an expected end for me. Believing that He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me.
It’s about time that I started acting like it.