I was reluctant to write this post. I had fears and doubts as to whether it would be good enough. I always want to speak from a place of truth and a place of vulnerability that will allow others to relate or either see themselves in the midst of what I’m sharing. So, that’s my prayer for you and anyone that comes across this post. And I pray that we all reach the level of freedom in God that He has established for us.
And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free. John 8:32 (KJV)
Before we can even begin to fight the adversity and opposition that is ready to stand against us in this world, we first have to fight a bigger battle that comes from within.
When I first got this idea about pursuing my writing, all sorts of thoughts came into my mind. And as much as us “church folk” like to blame things on the “devil” I’d like to be completely honest in saying that those thoughts came from me.
The more I thought about being successful at pursuing something that I was passionate about, the more I began to feel this other person rise up within me with hopes and intentions of stopping me.
Who do you think you are? What makes you think that you could ever accomplish something like that? And the reason that I know these thoughts came from me is because I never mentioned it aloud to anyone else. The only person that knew about these dreams and desires was me.
For a while I questioned whether or not these thoughts were my own. Again, I went back to the idea that these thoughts were of the devil, but then it dawned on me. The devil is not omnipotent. He isn’t all knowing. That trait only belongs to one and that one is God. Surely, He didn’t put them there.
The thought of such nasty words coming from myself scared me more than the idea of having them come from the evil one.
I wondered what would make me say such things or think that way about myself.
It was as if my other self was saying, the nerve of you…the audacity. More specifically, gall is the word that came to mind when trying to make sense of it all.
My other self was saying in a disgusted tone of voice, you actually have the gall to think that you can pull something like this off?
Gall: brazen boldness coupled with impudent assurance and insolence (Merriam Webster Dictionary)
So then I tried to figure out what part of myself would be disgusted by that. Why would my other self find my ideas about pursuing what makes me happy offensive?
Truth be told, there was a part of me that liked being where I was. It didn’t require much. There was no fight, no struggle, no opposition. I was free but yet in bondage. A slave to a mentality that kept me thinking that as long as I didn’t have to deal with any opposition that I was in good shape.
I didn’t like fighting. I didn’t like opposition. I didn’t want to suffer the consequences that came along with being free.
That’s why my other self was so upset. That’s why she was trying to stop me. I was putting her into a bad situation, something that she was not used to– something that made her uncomfortable.
When she found out what I was going to do I watched her go into panic mode. She flipped out. She grappled me.
I had never seen her act this way and it made me seriously question whether I was doing something wrong.
Her grip held me for a little while. For a moment I stared her deep in the eyes and considered what the outcome would be if I stayed. I didn’t like what I saw. I knew if I stayed there that I would die. I couldn’t get her to see that.
But I was tired of being in a place that held me down. I was tired of being in a place that didn’t mean me any good. I was exhausted. I was ready to break out. I was ready to be free. So I did what anyone would’ve done.
It was an all out brawl. I didn’t want to stay and she didn’t want to leave.
There comes a time however, when you’re desperate enough, you’ll do practically anything you can to survive.
I made it out.
I left her and her negative thoughts behind.
I would be lying if I said that at times I didn’t miss my other self. I miss her because she was all that I ever knew. There are times when I want to go back, times that I think about the day that she grappled my hand. She was just fearful. She was only trying to protect me.
Then, there are times that I sit and think about how my life would’ve been if I hadn’t followed her for so long. If I had not stayed with her. If I had never befriended her in the first place.
Feelings of sadness arise when I think about everything that I could have been.
Feelings of anger show up when it sets in that I was lead astray.
But I could almost hardly blame her. She was young and impressionable when she began to believe what the world told her. It became a part of who she was. It became a part of us.
But she is no more. And I am happy.
I’ve learned how to adjust. I’ve learned to find new ways of thinking. I’ve learned how to fight.
I’ve become quite fond of opposition.
I’ve learned that there is freedom in it.
…The old has passed away. Behold, the new has come. 2 Corinthians 5:17 (ESV)