Well, I’m sure I could be a lot further in life right now had I done that one little thing– focus. Maybe I should just get over the idea of being “further in life.” The thought of it alone weighs me down. The thought of it gives me anxiety. All I do is think about how much time I’ve wasted, where I could have been by now, and then I’m back at square one because I can’t stay focused. I think about what such and such is doing and how far along they are moving. And then I get distracted. I get discouraged. And I give up.
Nothing is happening for me.
But maybe the bigger issue is not a lack of focus. Maybe the bigger issue is patience– or the lack thereof.
I start thinking about how long the road will be and then I don’t even want to get on it. I’ve done that plenty of times in real life, with driving for instance. Like, taking a trip to a friend’s house. I want to, but it’s just too far. Or changing my mind mid-way and deciding to go back- “Meh… it’s too long. I’ll go later.” Maybe I’ve done that just one too many times.
Maybe God is trying to teach me discipline. In college, we choose disciplines to study. We keep going, until we’ve mastered the discipline or at least until we’ve met the requirements of that discipline in which case, we’re “rewarded” after completion.
Maybe this whole time, I’ve been sitting in the same spot because I haven’t learned the real lesson.
My dad, when talking about the fruit of the spirit would always say, “Love is one of the first fruits of the spirit. If we can get that, then we can get somewhere.” Me being me, I never thought of love necessarily being one of the first fruits. I just interpreted it as being one of the fruits of the spirit in no particular order.
But then I’m reminded of 1 Corinthians and 13 that says what love is. One of the first “ingredients” of love is patience. One of the commandments also says this, “Love your neighbor as yourself.”
That would explain why I’m so impatient with others because I have not yet learned to be patient with myself. I have not learned to be patient with myself because I have not learned to be patient with God.
This whole thing about “His timing” is frustrating to me. I just turned 31 for crying out loud. And still, nowhere.
Maybe where God wants me to go is far more important than where I want to go.